20/20 Vision
Have you ever wished for something impossible? Now answer truthfully. Don’t make me call you a liar. The answer is yes, of course you have! We all have! I for one, dreamed of the day in which the glare of an alarm clock ceased to be my wake-up call. A period of time, in which my writing became a priority and not a hobby. If life would just slow down and let me catch up, I’d consider myself victorious.
Sounds great, but right about now that old saying be careful what you wish for comes to mind, as does a story a co-worker shared with me many moons ago. I remember him telling me he’d pray every day to work at this specific location. Well, God answered his prayer, too bad he forgot to specify which job he wanted. It took some more praying and time, but eventually he got the job he wanted, at the location he desired. Still, his words echo in my head today. God knows what we want and need. When we reach out in prayer God always answers. Sometimes He says yes, other times it’s a firm no, and then there’s the answer we hate most, wait. But the truth is, His timing is always perfect. The problem is we hate to depend on anyone, even God. And WAIT? What is that? We are so short sighted. All we see is the here and now. With such limited vision, trusting God is always best, even when we cannot understand it. One day we’ll look back and say thank you, that is if we choose to listen and stop being so pigheaded.
Anyways back to my adventure. Landing in Mexico I was shocked. I found a woman who had once been the epitome of strength and independence. She had left her own country to find the American Dream, and provide a better life for her children. The women I had watched break barriers and fight for the life she desired was a shell of what she had once been. Her mind still strived for greatness, but her body slowly withered away. One year I had missed my husband’s presence by my side. One year I had questioned why God had allowed him to go, and in one moment I understood.
But before I share my big ah-ha moment, let’s talk about the Mexico I thought I was moving to. You know, the beautiful Mexico with white sand beaches, great food, historical architecture, and a rich culture. Sounds fab, yet, going on vacation and living somewhere are two very different things. Vacations are like when you meet someone for the first time, you see only their good side. It’s all about fun and relaxing. Of course there are those unlucky few who have vacations from hell, that make Nightmare on Elm Street pale in comparison, but for most of us that week or two of vacation, is exactly what we need to recharge. Then when it’s all over what do most of us do? Dream of course. Dream of going back or maybe even packing up and moving there, life would be so perfect if we did. Not!!! Yes, the place is gorgeous, I cannot deny it. The food is great, but the vacation is definitely over.
That first month in my new home was a cocktail of glorious sweet and bitter grapes all in one. My time finally belonged to me, sort of. For starters I don’t know when I married a pilot. No my husband does not fly planes, but his schedule could have fooled me. He spent more time in the air than on the ground. One week he was home, kind of, at least he slept in our bed. The other week he was thousands of miles away. I know you’re wondering how this could mean less time for me? Husband being away should equal more time not less. Well, to understand this we have to talk about the local medical system.
I hate hospitals in any country. I loathe being sick. Who doesn’t? But in America when you are sick and in a hospital bed, you are the responsibility of the many doctors and nurses, who work countless hours by your side. That’s not to say there aren’t some bad apples in the bunch, but for the most part we are blessed to have a team looking out for us.
In the past one of my greatest complaints in an American hospital was having to leave when visiting hours were over. How wrong was I! I hope you never have to visit a loved one in the hospital, but if you do thank God for those nurses that send you home to rest. Those men and women who care for your loved ones are the biggest blessing! I learned this lesson really quick those first two and a half months in Mexico. I would have given anything for the American medical system. Instead I found myself in unfamiliar territory, promoted to nurse, without ever having spent a day in medical school.
With my husband on the road/sky, my brother in law and I took turns caring for my mother in law. Caring for a loved one is both physically and emotionally exhausting. First, there was the two week hospital stay. Medieval is what comes to mind! Okay I’m exaggerating, but definitely not this century type care. The doctor was great, but the nurses, well? It’s not that the nurses were terrible, rather that their function is different. I come from a system in which the nurse is practically a doctor. Here, not so much! If my mother in law needed something I had to run to the nurses station (more like front reception desk) and ask for assistance. If the machine reading her blood pressure or the one administering medicine began to beep, there I went to the front desk again to ask for help. Call button? Apparently unheard of! There is absolutely no system to notify the nurses they are needed. Which didn’t seem to bother them any. Nor did they seem particularly excited to be of service. Surly though, they’d be responsible for the shower and restroom trips for non ambulatory patients? Nope, wrong again. That would be my job too! And God forbid I need to leave the facility to go eat! That’s was not an option unless you have someone to take your place. That’s right, a family member must be present at all times. This may sound like a good idea. Make family members more involved in their loved ones’ care, but honestly NO, it’s a very bad idea!
Before you disagree, take into consideration a family I met in the hospital. Here was a single mother with a fifteen year old daughter that required dialysis three times a week, plus multiple hospital stays due to her deteriorating health. Financially stricken and with no support system she was required to be by her daughters side at all times. Seriously!
People need breaks. We are not failures when we need a little time to regroup. We are at our best to help others when we are healthy and strong. Fortunately for me, I had my brother in law, my husband when he was in town, and a few other family members helping keep our lifeboat afloat. I cannot imagine being that woman. The desperation of not only her daughter’s illness but her own exhaustion. How could that benefit anyone?
Anyways, once my mother in law was finally released from the hospital we began the regime of dialysis and doctor visits. The first time I took her to a dialysis appointment I was greeted by a very rude receptionist (or she could have been a nurse/not sure). Imagine being sick, exhausted, and on top of that having to deal with such an angry and bitter person. Believe it or not America is truly geared towards the customer. More than we realize and appreciate.
Not so here. Getting this woman to help me was like pulling teeth. Sadly according to most of the people there this was her usual demeanor. She had zero customer service skills and no fear of consequences associated with her behavior. After an uncomfortable start we were finally ready to proceed, except…
Honestly, you didn’t think it would be that easy did you? Except I was told my child (10 years old at the time) needed to leave. Turns out no children are allowed in the waiting area of the hospital. Okay, no problem. I got this. Come on, I’m from Los Angeles, a big city woman. I can handle this.
I’ll just get my mother in law situated, and pick her up after dialysis. No problem. My daughter can wait in the car for a few minutes while I drop off and pick up. What’s the big deal? Well the answer was, NO! NO! NO! Which led to the infamous question, why. Answer, because you need to be present in case she dies during dialysis. Excuse me? Die! Well yes that is a possibility, not one I had thought of or wanted to discuss in that moment, but in the event this did occur why is my presence needed in the lobby. You cannot call me with the bad news. I don’t know but I am pretty certain I will be of no help sitting in the lobby.
They weren’t having it. No way! Policy was I needed to remain present in the lobby during the entire dialysis (four hours). Yup! That’s right. So, I now needed to find a babysitter for my child, and sit in the lobby and wait. But first I had to work. You do remember I am a nurse now. For dialysis this meant I would need to change into a gown. Then help my mother in law change into her own gown. Followed by sanitization procedure. Afterwards I was instructed to weigh her and record the information to be presented to the nurse. Wait, I thought I was the nurse. Guess not but it sure felt like it. Finally I’d sit her in the dialysis chair and then go take my place in the adult only lobby. Four hours later I followed the same procedure, in reverse, to remove her from dialysis. Honestly, all sarcasm aside, I found one area of this process scary, to depend on non medical personnel to weigh in and out the patient. Especially when this information is used to adjust dialysis. Why would you entrust this type of responsibility on a family member?
But we kept to this routine, with some dialysis appointments in the morning. Others at midnight, because it is dependent on space. It was two and a half months of endless hospital visits and doctors, enough to make any one want to scream. But I knew that if I was tired, my mother in law was, I don’t know what to call it. I don’t think there is a word to describe what she felt.
In the end she succumbed to her illness. It was a very sad day, but I truly believe she was ready to leave this Earth. That strong independent woman, the one who had become a shell of her prior self, was no longer among us, she was finally resting in a better place.
For those of us left behind, the next three days would be harsh. In Mexico the viewing is twenty four hours straight. Followed by the church mass and burial. However, because we had family coming from other states and outside the country we viewed for forty eight hours, and then laid her body to rest. Those three days served their purpose. I was able to reflect and realize how God’s plans are not ours.
One year while I sat in the USA missing my husband, at times angry with the turn of events, is the same year my mother in law had enjoyed having both her sons home. While it was one of the most difficult years of my life emotionally, my pain paled in comparison to my mother in law’s health and emotional afflictions. God knew her need was greater than mine. Besides He was already supplying all I needed. Weaving His plans into my life, even though I could not see it. I would be fine, and in the process my spiritual eyes would be opened. God allowed me to not only see, but understand that He knows what is best for us and provides all we need, sometimes from very unexpected places.
My arrival in Mexico was actually the very final leg of my mother-in-law’s journey on this earth. While difficult and exhausting , what a privilege for me to be there to help. What a blessing to know that in God’s divine plan he intended for me to be part of her life in this crucial moment. I am more certain than ever that God’s plans are not ours. Nor is his timing, but we can trust that He sees the bigger picture and works all things for good for those that love Him.
I had never expected to land in Mexico and become a caretaker. Nor had I expected my mother in law would be leaving us so shortly after our arrival, but this was the beginning of seeing things outside of my own perspective. There would be a lot more to come. Many more lessons to learn, but the greatest one, the one I hold on to the tightest, is that if I put my trust in Him, even when all looks lost I will find victory. Maybe not how I would have wanted or when I would have liked, but better. God’s way is always best!
